Never Fear, Lovable Libertarian Underdogs are Here!

often wow people with my Woody Allen wit, James Bond coolness and Sean Connery good looks...oh, who am I kidding? In reality--inwardly and outwardly--I'm a combination of Gilligan, Beaver Cleaver and Spongebob Squarepants. Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare and Elvis Costello to support my arguments, but where I really get my information from is cartoons.

There is an archetype in cartoons I call the "would-be world conqueror." That's what Simon Bar Sinister, from the old Underdog cartoon, is: he's brilliant, evil, humorless and power-mad, and wants to conquer and rule the entire world. (The "Bar" in his name comes from heraldry, meaning a bar on the shield. "Sinister" means both "evil" and "left." His name meant his bar was on the left side of shield, indicating illegitimacy. A whole generation of children grew up not knowing his name meant "Simon the Evil Bastard.") If you want to see something scary, notice how much William Kristol looks like Simon Bar Sinister

Simon Bar Sinister was always attempting to get people to do his bidding by hypnotizing them and saying, "Simon Says!" He was attempting to cast a spell on them by the use of words, a trick that has been noticed for thousands of years. Today, "casting a spell" is called "propaganda." One of the most hypnotic speakers of all time, Hitler, used to study still photos of himself to improve his performance. He got it down but good. Having seen films of his speeches, I can see his charisma, and feel the power of his words.

The Brain, from Pinky and the Brain, also fits this archetype. Like Simon Bar Sinister, he is a crazed, utterly humorless mutant. The Brain reminds me of William Bennett. Although you could say that, as the Brain and Simon Bar Sinister are interchangeable because they are from the same archetype, Kristol and Bennett are also interchangeable.

It's a stretch, and I don't believe the creators of Underdog meant it this way, but you can make the argument that Simon the Evil on-the-Left Bastard is your typical leftist. Again, humorless, evil, power-mad, and wanting to rule the world. If this is true, then the Brain would also be a leftist. Since there is no "conservatism" today, it having been replaced by the neocons (who are leftists), you could say the neocons are evil, illegitimate rightists. Since they are pretending to be something they're not, they're doubly evil-- sinister BarBarians, if you wish.

These would-be world conquerors always had a good-natured but exceptionally dim-witted sidekick, who was used by the would-bes to help them take over the world. This is the archetype of the "amiable but stupid helper." Pinky would be an example of this, as would Simon Bar Sinister's sidekick, Cad, who could do little more than say, "Duh...okay, boss!" Also note that the amiable but stupid helper is invariably used as comic relief. (The best example I think of this in movies is Arte Johnson's hilarious Renfield to George Hamilton's Dracula in the comedy, Love at First Bite.)

Archetypes wouldn't be archetypes unless there was universal truth to them. Let's take our Wayback Machine back in time to the '60's, to the Vietnam War. Who in those days fit the archetypes of Pinky and the Brain? Lyndon Johnson would be Pinky, and Robert McNamara would be the Brain. You could also say Johnson played an amiable, stupid Cad to McNamara's Simon Bar Sinister.

Still not convinced? You will be. Let's move foward to the Nixon years. Who played the part of Simon Bar Sinister? Henry Kissinger, of course. Who was Cad? Richard Nixon! Getting scared yet? Let's hop foward in time to now. Who's Pinky? You got it--Dubya! Who's the Brain? The neocons. William Bennett, William Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle...Bar Sinisters, all of them.

These archetypes show that whenever you see a good-natured but not-terribly-swift leader, there is going to be someone brilliant and evil trying to tell them what to do. Yikes! Do you really think Dubya came up with "axis of evil" on his own? Hah! Of course he didn't. His handlers probably had to coach him for an entire day to pronounce it correctly ("Duh...okay, boss!")

Lest you think I'm picking only on Dubya, I believe him to be at least twice as smart as the sharp-as-a-marble, wooden-headed dunce Al Gore. If anyone doesn't deserve any pity, it's a politician, but part of me does feel sorry for the good-natured but knuckle-headed Gore-Bot, who is truly embarrassing ("Up is down! And down is up!" Good one, Sherlock.)

These leaders will also always be comic relief, as Cad and Pinky are comic relief. LBJ was a buffoon--he used to talk to people on the phone while sitting on the toilet. Nixon gave a speech about his dog Checkers and his wife's cloth coat. Dubya is tongue-tied and brain-tied. The Gore-bot apparently has no elbow joints and windmills his arms like he's being controlled by a drunken puppeteer.

Whenever you see a good-natured, dumb, comical leader, there are always evil, humorless, power-mad people trying to use him to conquer the world. I'd like to see that taught in college ("Introduction to Political Science 101: Cartoons as an Aid to Understanding World Empire").

What is missing in Pinky and the Brain, but which did exist in Underdog, is the archetype of "the damsel in distress." In Underdog it was Sweet Polly Purebred, who was a fox once you got past the fact she was a dog. Who's the Damsel in Distress today? The United States of America. And by that I mean the country, and certainly not the government. As Sweet Polly Purebred was menaced by Simon Bar Sinister, the USA is being menaced by the neoconservatives. Goodness is being menaced by Evil; Order is being menaced by Chaos (or, in Maxwell Smart's world, KAOS).

As I have pointed out before, good menaced by evil, and order by chaos, is the archetype of the horror story. The archetypical horror story (which contains just about everything) is the story of Satan. Every horror story I am familiar pretty much retells the story of Satan.

Horror plus seriousness still equals horror. Horror plus ridiculousness equals comedy. The Brain and Simon Bar Sinister would be horrors except for the fact they are ridiculous. The Brain is a mouse with a huge lightbulb of a head, and Simon is about two feet tall. The Three Stooges would be horrors in real life, except they are ridiculous. That makes them funny.
When Dracula and Frankenstein turned into Count Chocula and Frankenberry, I knew their scary days were over.

If I lived a thousand years ago, and had really believed in Satan, I like to think I would have realized that more than anything else he wants people to take him seriously. Laugh at the Devil, and he's powerless. Horror plus ridiculousness equals comedy. As Voltaire so perceptively noted, "Lord, please make my opponents ridiculous."

Satan would make the perfect politician (this also means nearly all politicians are in some measure Satanic, which is why I trust none). This also means most politicians are ridiculous, which is why ridicule is the best weapon that can be used against them. Who wants their pompousness and pretensions punctured? Who wants to be exposed as a clown, when you utterly convinced you're anything but a clown?

I used to think the "lust for power" was a coin, with one side being "the lust to rule" and the other side being "the lust to destroy." However, there is a third trait: the lust for attention. The lust to rule and to destroy, and the lust for attention, always go together. That was Satan's problem, and it is the problem of nearly every politician. You need look no farther than the evil Hillary Clinton. Or, for a would-be politician, the never-was-a-minister Jesse Jackon. Both are Satanic, and both are bad people. Both are also cartoons, buffoons, and poltroons.

Hillary has no sense of humor, is obsessed with drawing attention to it...herself, thinks she should rule the US, and would like to destroy anyone who gets in her way. And people think Satan is male. Hah! I just know there are budding horns under her hairdo. Her butt not's that big; there's a spaded tail hiding back there!

And because these people-- and others like them--possess the traits of buffoonery, poltroonery and cartoonery, I think one of the best ways to educate children and adults is to have animated cartoons exposing just how eternally ridiculous, lying and untrustworthy all States and their worshippers really are. Tom Daschle, Midget Defender of Slavery, Dick Gephardt, the Eyebrowless Wonderputz, and Hillary Clinton, Big Booty Satan-Girl, would do more to expose these fools than ten years of news programs.

This Satanic archetype also motivates our cartoon-world would-be conquerors. Both Simon Bar Sinister and the Brain wanted power and attention, and would destroy anything that got in their way. The Satanic archetype also motivates the neocons. I need say little more the "William Bennett and AVOT."

But--all is not lost! There is another archetype. This one is the archetype of the Hero. The Hero often has two faces, or two lives. In "real" life he is often the underdog. Superman's alter-ego was the bumbling Clark Kent, best portrayed by Christopher Reeve. Underdog in his real life is Lovable Shoeshine Boy.

Who are the true heroes that know how to save America? The underdogs? The Lovable Shoeshine Boys? Never fear, the Lovable Libertarian Underdogs are here! If America is Sweet Polly Purebred, the necons are Simon Bar Sinister, Dubya is Cad, then the libertarians--the only ones who adhere to what this country was founded upon, and who understand Thomas Jefferson's quote that "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance"--are Underdog. ("When the country's in trouble I am not slow/It's hip, hip, hip/And away I go!")

In the cartoons, the would-be world conquerors always fail. Simon Bar Sinister and the Brain are always foiled. In real life conquerors always fail. There has never been an Empire that didn't collapse. There has never been one that ever conquered the world, or came even close.

There is more wisdom in cartoons than a Ph.D from Yale. The wisdom of cartoons informs us that the evil will always fail. Good won't win just because it's better, but because the underdog superheroes fight for what's right. "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing," wrote Edmund Burke centuries ago. Underdog may have never had a copy of Burke between his paws, but like all superheroes, he instinctly understands the truth of that saying.

It's best for the Simon Bar Sinisters and Brains infesting the State to not even try to conquer the world, because they will lose. Mostly, I suspect, through their own ineptness--their own ridiculousness. I doubt, however, that neocons watch many cartoons. Or any at all.

On the other hand, all libertarians need to do is learn to speak in rhymes like Underdog, fight for what's right, and Sweet Polly Purebred will be saved from the loathsome clutches of Simon Bar Sinister.

Some really cool superhero outfits might help, too. I'm working on mine right now. Have been for years.